The 434 Page Book That Just Might Save My Life

Today I read a book called Fangirl. I read it in one day (today) - all 434 pages of it. I related to it like I have never related to a book in my entire life. I was having an absolutely terrible day; there was plenty of crying and the loss of self-worth. However, reading this book made me happy. Was I toughing my way through it trying not to cry? Of course. But it made me realize why I've been so unhappy and haven't been able to stay happy when I was (ie. when I go to dance or hang out with my best friend.) I haven't been reading and writing enough; my forever passion that ever since I learned how to do those things I did. I have stacks of papers and composition books filled with stories that form in my head. I've been denying myself this wonderful gift ever since the love I had for school was taken from me in middle school where I was bullied and shunned and hated. I'm a senior now and people , my mom more specifically, tell me I should be over it by now, that it was so long ago. That's the funny thing about bullying, it stays with you forever. I suppose it also depends on how strong you are though - I would like to think of myself as pretty strong and yet here I am, hating school and not doing well. I had tried to focus so much on school and doing it to make my mom happy that I denied myself any true happiness in my life. Reading Fangirl has made me realize this. My head feels full with the stories that I invent every time I look in a different direction. I can't even listen to music because my head is bursting with this, determination almost. I want - scratch that - need to start writing again. I feel right now as though the world is at my finger tips and I can write down everything that has been suppressed in my mind from all this time pretending and trying to be someone I'm not. The pain I feel inside has been so bad; I've dreamed of doing so many terrible things. God, I feel like I have so much to say! Pardon my stream of consciousness, truly, it wasn't my intention. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of me. I want to write - about anything! I want to create a world all my own - something Cather in Fangirl couldn't do. The only difference between me and Cather is she loves fanfiction and I can not get enough of fiction. I love creating the worlds I see in my mind. I love piecing every story and character and see the romances bloom and the hero/heroine fight against their tribulations and overcome them. I feel so motivated right now; not just to write but also to...I don;t know how to say this but to do...school. I can't say succeed and I can't say try my best; all I know is I'm just determined to school (says the anticipated English major.) I wish I could express how I feel to my family, make them understand just what I think and feel as well as express my ambition in life. Speaking of which, Rainbow Rowell described college as I pictured going through it which is another reason why I feel this deep connection with Fangirl. I'm going to write a story for my family (a fiction one, of course.) I've decided that is the best way to express myself to them. Thank you, Rainbow Rowell, for showing me the meaning of being true to myself. I owe my life to you. Thank you.