Kick Ass, Mr. Holloway

Today, about a half an hour ago, I found out one of my favorite teachers Mr. Jeff Holloway has lymphoma which is a blood cancer. Oh boy. I still feel like crying. Yesterday I couldn't stop talking now I'm at a loss for words. Mr. Holloway cried too. He said things such as "I don't know what to say" and "I'm sorry." Especially seeing him cry and break down like that hurts so much. Please keep him in your prayers and send positive thoughts to his family and him as he fights this. He doesn't know how far along the lymphoma is which makes this even more stressful. He is an amazing teacher and a wonderful person. He doesn't want sympathy so I ask if you talk about him I ask you think in terms of the phrase "Kick ass, Holloway." He needs support and the best way I know is keeping things as normal and positive as possible. If you tweet about this or any other way, use the hashtag #KickAssHolloway Thank you to anyone who reads this for taking the time to care, even a little. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

The 434 Page Book That Just Might Save My Life

Today I read a book called Fangirl. I read it in one day (today) - all 434 pages of it. I related to it like I have never related to a book in my entire life. I was having an absolutely terrible day; there was plenty of crying and the loss of self-worth. However, reading this book made me happy. Was I toughing my way through it trying not to cry? Of course. But it made me realize why I've been so unhappy and haven't been able to stay happy when I was (ie. when I go to dance or hang out with my best friend.) I haven't been reading and writing enough; my forever passion that ever since I learned how to do those things I did. I have stacks of papers and composition books filled with stories that form in my head. I've been denying myself this wonderful gift ever since the love I had for school was taken from me in middle school where I was bullied and shunned and hated. I'm a senior now and people , my mom more specifically, tell me I should be over it by now, that it was so long ago. That's the funny thing about bullying, it stays with you forever. I suppose it also depends on how strong you are though - I would like to think of myself as pretty strong and yet here I am, hating school and not doing well. I had tried to focus so much on school and doing it to make my mom happy that I denied myself any true happiness in my life. Reading Fangirl has made me realize this. My head feels full with the stories that I invent every time I look in a different direction. I can't even listen to music because my head is bursting with this, determination almost. I want - scratch that - need to start writing again. I feel right now as though the world is at my finger tips and I can write down everything that has been suppressed in my mind from all this time pretending and trying to be someone I'm not. The pain I feel inside has been so bad; I've dreamed of doing so many terrible things. God, I feel like I have so much to say! Pardon my stream of consciousness, truly, it wasn't my intention. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of me. I want to write - about anything! I want to create a world all my own - something Cather in Fangirl couldn't do. The only difference between me and Cather is she loves fanfiction and I can not get enough of fiction. I love creating the worlds I see in my mind. I love piecing every story and character and see the romances bloom and the hero/heroine fight against their tribulations and overcome them. I feel so motivated right now; not just to write but also to...I don;t know how to say this but to do...school. I can't say succeed and I can't say try my best; all I know is I'm just determined to school (says the anticipated English major.) I wish I could express how I feel to my family, make them understand just what I think and feel as well as express my ambition in life. Speaking of which, Rainbow Rowell described college as I pictured going through it which is another reason why I feel this deep connection with Fangirl. I'm going to write a story for my family (a fiction one, of course.) I've decided that is the best way to express myself to them. Thank you, Rainbow Rowell, for showing me the meaning of being true to myself. I owe my life to you. Thank you.

The Resolve of Love That Keeps Me Alive

Okay, so posting every day was a bust...however I am returned to write another post. I feel like my life is constantly changing. I've lost many people in my life, especially what seems to be extremely recently. I blame myself because I know I cause people to leave. There's one person I'm fighting for. That one person that makes me want to wade through the sea of troubles and, by opposing, end them. Sorry. I don't know why Hamlet decided to make an appearance. Anyways, I feel as though the battle is bleak and I have no chance of winning; however, I have not given up. I never will give up. I think that's important. Even if you seem you are on your knees and can't get up, you have to keep fighting, even if you are chained down. Even the word "hopeless" has the word "hope" in it so why shouldn't we? Even if you think and probably know you have no chance right now of winning and prevailing, you should hold on to the love inside because with love comes hope. When you imagine what you love, whether it's a person or a sport or an object, the need to see it and be with it will give you the strength to win the battle. Even if what you love seems as though it doesn't love you back, just knowing you love it is hope enough. To be completely honest, I'm being a hypocrite. I'm a coward. I say these strong words but I will never show this is what I believe. However, when I'm crying myself to sleep or just wanting to give up in the middle of something, my feeling of love strengthens my resolve just enough to keep going. I still cry but at least I get up and continue walking - well, dancing. That's the funny thing about hope; it keeps you alive and going even if you feel completely empty something inside you tells you to walk and eat and, in summary, survive. I'm having surgery done next week. I am absolutely terrified. I am so scared. Especially as of recent, I have felt as though no one cared enough to be there, except my mum. I'm not saying she doesn't count but you know that feeling of friends saying things that might cheer you up in a different way. At least I have one friend that I will be able to talk to the day of and before I get to the hospital. I'm scared but I know I'm not alone. The most important person in my life is in my heart and that gives me hope and the courage to walk and anticipate that day with my head held high. My battle has begun and I am ready for the war that lies ahead. Maybe I'm in the middle of the war already- who knows? Al  I know is that no matter how empty I feel or how badly I want to lay down and just give up, I never will because as long as there is love in my heart and at least one person by my side, even if only for a bit longer (we are both seniors and because people have a tendency to leave, who knows what she will do), I will keep walking even if that means I have to walk with tears in my eyes while I try my best to walk with my back straight. Sorry this post is long.

My First Blog Post!

I have no idea how blogs are supposed to work to be completely honest. I've decided to use this as a diary-esque space without going too overboard (I hope). Happy New Year! My New Year's resolution is to use this blog. I can't explain why because I myself am not entirely sure why yet. I should start with the last day of 2013. It was supposed to be completely planned out but long story short, it didn't work out that way. However, at around 3 I was where I was supposed to be, in the arms of my love. It turned out to be a wonderful and perfect day and I finally got my New Year's kiss from the one I had always dreamed of getting it from. It came at the cost of guilt along with happening in a car with a bottle of sparkling apple cider in front of a Little Caesar's Pizza. But you know what? It was absolutely perfect. It may not have happened how we imagined but it happened. That makes me happy. Just because something doesn't come out how we planned, we can't toss it aside and say, "That sucked." It happened and the fact that it did made it perfect. That's going to be my lesson for the new year; learn to love what happens the way it happens, even if the good seems to comes later. As long as I love the person I do and what I do, everything will turn out okay.