The Resolve of Love That Keeps Me Alive

Okay, so posting every day was a bust...however I am returned to write another post. I feel like my life is constantly changing. I've lost many people in my life, especially what seems to be extremely recently. I blame myself because I know I cause people to leave. There's one person I'm fighting for. That one person that makes me want to wade through the sea of troubles and, by opposing, end them. Sorry. I don't know why Hamlet decided to make an appearance. Anyways, I feel as though the battle is bleak and I have no chance of winning; however, I have not given up. I never will give up. I think that's important. Even if you seem you are on your knees and can't get up, you have to keep fighting, even if you are chained down. Even the word "hopeless" has the word "hope" in it so why shouldn't we? Even if you think and probably know you have no chance right now of winning and prevailing, you should hold on to the love inside because with love comes hope. When you imagine what you love, whether it's a person or a sport or an object, the need to see it and be with it will give you the strength to win the battle. Even if what you love seems as though it doesn't love you back, just knowing you love it is hope enough. To be completely honest, I'm being a hypocrite. I'm a coward. I say these strong words but I will never show this is what I believe. However, when I'm crying myself to sleep or just wanting to give up in the middle of something, my feeling of love strengthens my resolve just enough to keep going. I still cry but at least I get up and continue walking - well, dancing. That's the funny thing about hope; it keeps you alive and going even if you feel completely empty something inside you tells you to walk and eat and, in summary, survive. I'm having surgery done next week. I am absolutely terrified. I am so scared. Especially as of recent, I have felt as though no one cared enough to be there, except my mum. I'm not saying she doesn't count but you know that feeling of friends saying things that might cheer you up in a different way. At least I have one friend that I will be able to talk to the day of and before I get to the hospital. I'm scared but I know I'm not alone. The most important person in my life is in my heart and that gives me hope and the courage to walk and anticipate that day with my head held high. My battle has begun and I am ready for the war that lies ahead. Maybe I'm in the middle of the war already- who knows? Al  I know is that no matter how empty I feel or how badly I want to lay down and just give up, I never will because as long as there is love in my heart and at least one person by my side, even if only for a bit longer (we are both seniors and because people have a tendency to leave, who knows what she will do), I will keep walking even if that means I have to walk with tears in my eyes while I try my best to walk with my back straight. Sorry this post is long.

My First Blog Post!

I have no idea how blogs are supposed to work to be completely honest. I've decided to use this as a diary-esque space without going too overboard (I hope). Happy New Year! My New Year's resolution is to use this blog. I can't explain why because I myself am not entirely sure why yet. I should start with the last day of 2013. It was supposed to be completely planned out but long story short, it didn't work out that way. However, at around 3 I was where I was supposed to be, in the arms of my love. It turned out to be a wonderful and perfect day and I finally got my New Year's kiss from the one I had always dreamed of getting it from. It came at the cost of guilt along with happening in a car with a bottle of sparkling apple cider in front of a Little Caesar's Pizza. But you know what? It was absolutely perfect. It may not have happened how we imagined but it happened. That makes me happy. Just because something doesn't come out how we planned, we can't toss it aside and say, "That sucked." It happened and the fact that it did made it perfect. That's going to be my lesson for the new year; learn to love what happens the way it happens, even if the good seems to comes later. As long as I love the person I do and what I do, everything will turn out okay.